Monday, June 15, 2009
Today is good, it was a nice weekend. No fights, no late night out with no phone call. Sometimes I think it will all work out, then I hear his voice on the phone with her and I know it's not all good. What can I do? Leave? Where would I go? It isn't just me anymore, now I have to think about kids and money and other family. Sometimes it's nice, though, just to have a good day.
Monday, June 8, 2009
It's sad how infidelity becomes accepted. Whether you are too tired to fight anymore or simply don't have the energy to leave, sometimes accepting that someone is being unfaithful is easier to accept than the questions you would have to ask yourself if you took a stand. I once was loved..it's so sad to say but true. I never believed I could be loved, despite marriage, companionship and someone who truly was my best friend. Now, it doesn't matter. The scales have tipped and my marriage is no longer sound or even stable, it is not true and I wonder why I could not go back. I WISH I had believed that I was worthy of love. I had a man who gave me love and I think I started the path to destruction. I was unfaithful first. I can blame no one but myself, although there were circumstances that led me down that path. None of that matters now, some six years after the fact. All that matters is that I am no longer the person I thought I was. Independent, adventurous, loved. Now, I am alone and lonely. I see my husband everyday, live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, yet I MISS him terribly. Where has he gone? Where did I go? I feel lost and so alone. Maybe this blog, postings and possible responses will help me to make choices I no longer feel capable of making. Maybe not. Who knows. At this point, even anger would help more than what I feel. Numb....it's a terrible way to live. I don't want this for my life yet I feel trapped. Maybe this will give me perspective.